Stupid is as Stupid Does

I tossed coins in a jar of hope
To count all my gaffes, big and small
The richer I got, the poorer I felt
Till I stopped counting at all

I am sure every individual, at some points in life or many as the case may be, has done/said/written something which at that moment felt uber-cool only to turn out to be an earth shattering source of embarrassment. The kind of faux pas ('fox passes' for some, N you know what I mean ;) you hope will never be shared in public by those who first encountered it and were immediately sworn in to maintain its secrecy till death do them part. Statistics and experience show, that those very people break their promise at the first opportunity they get to blurt out anecdotes at social gatherings. But you still always hope that this time it better not be 'that' episode.

I must admit I have had more than my fair share of ignominious dalliances with daftness. And for someone who suffers from mild forms of social phobia, it isn't exactly a healthy concoction to have an interminable list of such closeted skeletons. But as an experiment, and out of my sheer desire to share the hilarity of it all, I now present to you one such gem from my past. The year is 2002, and I am just out of school waiting for college to begin. As was the geeky fad in those days, our class had promptly started a yahoo group to keep in touch beyond school (it goes without saying that forum today is as defunct as it can get). I cant quite remember whether it was because of the cobwebs that had begun to settle in my head or my desperation to announce my ability to type mails, I ended up sending an email whose contents I have included below:

"GOD SAVE THE GROUP COZ YOU KNOW WHO IS FINALLY HERE

hi groupies,

yes, finally after much contemplation and a determined self debate on the issue of wether i should go ahead and send my first electronically operative mail to the group , i have come to the ultimately irrevocable and important conclusion that i must answer in the affirmative and do the inexplicably unthinkable deed of putting my more than grossly inadequate intelligence to the tremenduous task of conjuring up archetypally ardent and aptly appropriate sentences, which with their succinct subtlety will incise through superlative superficiality and self sufficiently compensate for my inability to gesticulatively do justice to my wholeheartedly humble and effably effervescent effort to correctly convey my misleadingly malevolent,malicious and morbid, but marvelously meaningful and merry message to this brilliantly boisterous, yet at times belittlingly belligerent brotherhood of a fully, finally functional fraternity of fantastically (un)forgettable fine friends, famous for it's flabbergastingly furtive and far fetched frivolousness.

those of you who had the mental fortitude ,a tenacious enough digestive system and indeed a fine fortune to somehow survive that paragraph and get to these lines, and feel from the bottom of your hearts that it is the worst load of bullshit and seemingly almost-never-ending crap that you have ever read in your life in an email, i modestly welcome you to shower me with your choice words and pleasantly snide remarks; and those who did suffer from brain haemorreage or any form of mental breakdown i assure you there will be no apologies or monetary compensations from my side. nonetheless, barring a certain someone who knew junky stuff like this was definitely coming from my side the moment i joined this group ( yeah, you know who you are Mr. " " i like to impress girls with my Oxford english " " ), i hope all you guys have got a pretty good idea of the shape of things to come.

so now that i have done with the irksome formalities and proven to all my fans and A.C.s and coolers that i am still the good old (and not to forget the terrible pain in the a**) chacko, i can get on with the true objective of this email. firstly i would like to give kudos to 'kanna nam anna' hari for setting up this group, a fine job indeed. next i wish all the groupies a very warm helllllo. it seems like most of the guys have now settled down with college and the likes of it, except for an useless good for nothing fellow like yours' truly who is just 'loafing' ( that certain someone is of the opinion that this is a very inappropriate word to use in front of members of the opposite sex ) around town. i am very sure all the double and triple bonds of our class (the list of their names seems endless) have already started maxing out in their classes, which isnt much of a surprise. its good to see that most of the guys are sending messages and keeping in touch, and those who are yet to join the group ( hey i hope i am not the last guy ), i would advice them to follow in my glorious footsteps and immediately join.

anyway, the singapore posse seems to be having a load of fun and a nice confrontation seems to be building up between the NTU and NUS, all though NUS is only a one man ( i still have doubts about his/her masculinity part) team. also as i read from amar's mail, best of luck guys for your freshers night (speaking of which amar, nice try to get the script of our world famous play but sadly we reserve the copyrights and we aint givin it to you, although you have full freedom from my side atleast to do anything you want with the not-so-original soundtrack of the play). all the same keep those emails coming you 'singies' , it makes for some fun reading.

by the way i have just realised that i have bored the loyal and faithful readers of my email enough(imagine me being so thoughtful, but i assure you i wont commit this mistake again). i apologise for writing such a pathetically short introductory mail and those of you who are still awake and left wanting for more please wait with baited breath for a more satisfying onslaught in my next installment, and those of you who arent, pray dilligently that god really saves this group from my determined attack and the totally unintentional torment caused thereof. so until next time (unless someone chucks me out of the group before i get to that next time) i bid you adeu, adios amigos, au revoir, goodbye etc. etc.

yours' falsely
a*******, chacko, or any of those other nicknames i am too embarassed to sign off with

P.S:- hey aadarsh whats all this stuff i here about you getting bold and physical and all with women and becoming the stud of NTU. if indeed there is any truth to this you have an explanation due and probably a few tips on the art of impressing women to less enlightened people like me and that someone i know ;););)"

Before you get ROTFL, take a moment to note the adulation showered to the person referred to above as 'certain someone', 'you know who you are', etc. Shocking as it may seem, that person is a dude and not a dudette, he is in fact one of my 'best-pals' (a colloquially popular term in the South equivalent to 'best friend', but more casual and less girly). We used to bond together so well, that people often spoke of us as a married couple. Needless to say, we vehemently rubbished any such notion at the time, but now that I look at excerpts similar to the one above, I realise the gay overtones in our camaraderie that were blatantly visible to all. But what the hell, I'll stick my neck out and proclaim that every guy has had (or at least should have had) a friend like that - making up for what he lacks in physical feminine beauty with an ample capacity of intellectual compatibility. Kudos to all such Batmen and Robins of the world. No matter how homosexual your antics might seem, carry on with your unabashed friendship in the 'Jay-Veeru', 'Butch Cassidy-Sundance Kid, 'Laurel-Hardy' style.

Hey, right now I am a little confused. Wasn't this post supposed to be about taking a shot at myself? Seems like I might have indulged myself into trekking away to an entirely different topic here. But I'll cut it short now, and save some up for a more elaborate post on male bonding in general. Meanwhile, you are welcome to re-reads of the good stuff in this post :)

To my one and only - N

The beauty of a flower lies not in its artful hues
Nor in its fragrance or in the sweetness of its nectar
To find for yourself where God hides his wonders untold
You need look only as deep as your lover's soul

Much has been my quest, for a rare true love
For someone to share my joys and tempests with
After much hard seeking, both inside and out
My heart tells me "She is the one", without a doubt

In your eyes I see, a future worth dreaming
With your touch I sense, that life is worth living
And with every journey I will embark upon
I want you beside me as my companion

Hi N!!!

Boy have I been dying to meet you. You might not know me too well but I am A's blog. If you are reading this now for the first time, things have gone according to A's plan, more or less - his greeting card has directed you to this url and most probably you are just reeling under the effects of his attempt above at writing a romantic poem. Fear not, as you make your way through the rest of me, many such amazing and at times uncomfortable surprises about his personality await you.

Formally and finally, "WELCOME TO A'S BLOG!!!!". It has been so long and, believe you me, it has been as difficult for him to resist the temptation of declaring my identity to you as it has been for you, waiting to finally get access. So here it is, after much planning and penning away of thoughts - a window into the soul of Alec Unsmart ;)

If truth be told, this is not your first official visit to my pages. Famously enough, you were the very first (and sadly only :( ) visitor and also graced me with my first comment which i have reprinted here for your perusal :

"Hey, just stumbled upon your blog. I think you should write more. And put your favorite bloggers on the blogroll and comment in people's comment-space to get noticed ;). Think a lot more blog-hoppers like me might like what you have to say. Keep on blogging! Look forward to more :)"

If you remember, you had once discussed about this with him on campus; caught unawares, he had put his brilliant acting skills to use and squarely denied any knowledge of it. To sound more convincing, he actually went ahead and trashed it as utter tripe (taking a big dent in his bloated ego while doing so). But I do know your suspicions had been evoked and that was enough for you to plague him ever since then with constant pestering to reveal the blog to you. He decided that if he indeed had to share it with you, it deserved a truly momentous occasion for its announcement; and for a long time his and my mission target has been this very day - your birthday!!

Now that we have been properly re-introduced, let me get on with what I am really here for. For the most part, I am always the patient listener to A's constant ravings and rantings (hey in that way you and I are quite similar!!). Quite like you, I usually take a patient back seat and let him take his flights of fantasy as he pours his heart out into my posts. But today, as a one-time exclusive, I am speaking with you for a very special purpose. You know how diffident and shy he is, so he has given me the rather prestigious task of being the MC as he shares his innermost thoughts about you. So put on your seat belt (and carry a handkerchief just in case the mushy stuff gets to you) and lets begin with what he has to say:

'I Love You' - That's probably the simplest expression I have always used to express my feelings for you. Over time, I have realised that even in its simplicity there is so much to be understood in its meaning, very similar to the depth in your personality that I sense when I think about you very strongly. I have shared with you often that my own faith and grasp of the weight of this expression has built over time. But through all these months, no matter how strong or shaken my faith was, the gravity of your attractive persona has always had me rapt with awe in an inescapable sort of bind.

How often we recollect the early fumbling of what has become a roller coaster of a love ride. I never believed that opposites attract; added to that the situation in my life was such that for me the odds of us being together had to be infinitesimally small. Yet, others could clearly see that just as even in its most elemental form nature creates everything out of the interaction of opposing forces, you and I were meant to collide with an incredible chemistry that could produce nothing but amazing passion and love. Every time I interacted with you, no matter how corrosive the meeting was, I couldn't help but feel that I was teetering on the edge of a cavern that would lead me straight into falling for you.

As fate would have it, I was struck with one of the greatest lows of my life. Losing something as precious as I did, I felt God would never be kind enough to grant me anything remotely close to that kind of happiness. Call it my faith in the supreme being or a wonder of this amazing universe, I was delivered an angel - pure of heart and the embodiment of holy love - you.

As time began its work of healing me, your presence and kindness towards me left me giving away my heart to you day by day. By the time I pulled up the courage to propose to you, I was already drunk with the desire to be with you, For me, winning your heart seemed the only cause worth living for. When you accepted and the realization sank in, I knew my life could finally be back on track.

Our time on campus was as trying as it was the best time of my life. Learning about you wasn't easy, primarily due to the faults in my own personality, but its something that to this day I continue to work on and hopefully I am improving. In a place where competition can rip you apart in shreds, you were my 'Rock of Gibraltar'. Inspiring me always to go that extra mile and make my self deserve all your adoring. I know we went through tough patches, but I cant deny that my love strengthened exponentially with each moment of understanding that followed those difficult trysts.

Our love blossomed, at the same time we were approaching that inflection point when we had to make career choices leading us down uncertain roads. Things since then have been as unpredictable as exciting. I must honestly say that if it were up to me I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with you all the time, but the current challenges are helping me truly understand my love for you. I hope we will always be able to look back at these days as the period that solidified our passion and understanding for each other.

You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. Your inner and outer beauty are both so mesmerizing, that I cannot count enough of my blessings to be a part of your life. While your true beauty can lay shrouded in your shy and polite demeanour, I feel proud that you have given me the opportunity to get an insight into your soul and truly experience the greatness that you hold within you. You are the only person I know, who can be so mature while not losing touch with your inner child, the real person inside you. I have seen you transition with infinite grace from a campus cutie to a responsible professional who, against the steepest of odds and circumstances, is always fighting the good fight winning the right battles. While your impulsiveness makes you inimitably one of the most frank, honest and open people around, you have shown that you are capable of great patience and perseverance. If you need proof of that, you need only look at me - you understand me completely and that is something I thought only the most exceptionally intelligent and insightful person could achieve. I am convinced that you are truly meant for greatness, and I wish I can be your best friend in that journey.

The events over the past few months have been very significant, especially from a family perspective. You have guided me in making sure that we can bring our families together and celebrate with them our love. We have begun well, and with God's grace, we shall achieve all the goals as we progress to tie the knot eventually.

On your birthday, I would like to make a promise. I know difficulties and obstacles will always be a part of our life, just as it is for everyone else. I know we might have fights that could plunge me, if not you, into bouts of momentary sadness. I know time and distance apart could add pressure to our lives like we never imagined. But if there is one thing I am sure of it is this - no matter what, my love for you will always be undying and it is the sole goal of my life to ensure that you become, the happiest woman in the whole wide world. I pray to God all the time that I can become the man that a goddess like you truly deserves.

'I Love You'. Once again N, that is simply all I feel I can say and I know even without me telling, you probably understand all of what I have said just with these three magical words. Happy Birthday, and love me and be mine forever.

Yours Truly,Madly,Deeply in Love,
Kuchu

'Post' Mortem Report

I feared the sight of a Pale Moon, glowering at me from unveiled shrouds....
I was welcomed instead by the Sun, gleaming through myriad painted clouds...

As I write this post, it is sunset time in a city bustling with the excitement of the freedom and joys that the impending weekend promises to bring. It has been a complicated week; a story in managing a balancing act between work, home, family and N. Don't worry, that's not what this post is about.

By the second glance, if not in the first, any person would figure out that my blog seems to average at less than a post-a-month. To be precise the actual figure would be somewhere between 0 and 0.5. While my lethargy has already been established as the prime reason for any inactivity in these pages, the usual pains of my humdrum existence don't seem to make my task of filling this blog with all the promised content any easier. In fact, the added baggage of having failed to write so many good posts often leaves me with the usual thought of "Oh, now that I have missed so many, what's the point in even trying again?". Such grim self-discouragement has deprived my loyal readers, numbering in the single digits, many a charming insight into the life and times of a to-be-famous Mumbaikar. Not anymore.

As the first step towards righting the wrongs aforementioned, I have solemnly decided to let people know of some of the most luminary ideas and moments that had triggered in me the desire to put up posts over the past few months. Issues that had me in the throes of firing away at my keyboard, only to be thwarted by my insurmountable laziness. I sincerely hope, my euphoric excellence does not escape you:

1. Waiting at Delhi airport, with a sandwich in one hand and a coffee in the other, reflecting on the weekend spent with N
2. An ode to the real "Joker" who, in his swansong as The Dark Knight's arch nemesis, left us with a portrayal of villainy never before seen on the silver screen
3. A short critique on "The Watchmen" series graphic novel. A delectably dark yet meaningful work by Alan Moore that probably stumbles upon the ultimate frailty of all humankind
4. Questioning the logic of all my education till date in the context of the junctures of life that I often find myself at
5. Raving about "Rock On!" - a movie that explores the Hollywoodesque subject of a bunch of guys taking a second crack at making it big as rock stars amidst a swarm of early mid-life crises - a film that was both touching and significant in the landscape of 'Hindi' films
6. Taking my shot at the "Flab Four", who did all but shame themselves with their ineptitude at wielding a bat whose past mastery has earned them so many undeserved glories
7. The mesmerising power of a country's pride and strength that was Beijing 2008
8. Getting my very first 'Project' - building fancy jargonized assets for a bunch of fancier asses
9. Rafa vs Fedex - my Point of View
10. Places of Worship and the role of Religion in the life of today's Average Joe (14/09/2008)
11. Dear Faceless Terrorist... (14/09/2008)

and the list continues......

Well the above list is not exhaustive. In fact I shall use this as a tracker for topics I need to have written about by the time this calendar year is done. I shall be adding new topics as they dawn upon me and it would be interesting to see how many will yet remain untouched by the time the planet turns a year older.

P.S: If anyone has managed to decipher the article to which the link has been provided in the above post, please to be sharing your deep insights :)

Ganapati Bappa Moriya!! - Part II

Major apologies. I completely forgot to mention in the last post why the whole Ganesha angle. Well I did give all the "new beginning" mumbo-jumbo, but there was something more than that which got my rusty thought processes running again.

It's quite obvious looking at the date of this post, that today was basically one day after Ganesh Chaturthi of circa 2008. So here I was sitting at home, catching some classic Tim Burton "Batman Returns" on Zee Studio, when the faint sounds of drums beating wafted into my ears. While that immediately didn't prompt me to divert too much of my attention from the movie that I was engrossed in, in the next few minutes I couldn't help being moved by the thunderous impressiveness of the sound. As I made my way to my window to get a glimpse of the source of the noise, I saw a motley crew of people from one of the building societies nearby taking their Ganesha immersion procession towards its watery destination. After much encouragement from my mother, I went downstairs to get a more direct look at the fantastic show that was on.

The scene can be so described - a typical procession in honour of an Indian deity, adorned by groups of people walking/dancing/jumping in various states of pomp and revelry to the raucous but extremely catchy beats of a bunch of drummers. Yes the drummers, the ones meant to provide the background for a bunch of girls & boys to flaunt their dancing skills, they are the ones who caught my eye.

The music that they were producing could put any world famous rock band's best composition or its live rendition to shame. While the main driver of the mesmerising performance was its spontaneity, the talent of the individuals belting out the beats was unquestionably phenomenal. And in this resounding cacophony of the most pleasant kind I managed to find a few ounces of inspiration. That's what I like about the festive season, even in all the gloom that may surround your life you can still feel like there is something yet to be happy about.

Fear not that which saddens you to tears...
Fear only that you don't lose the space within you to find happiness....

Ganapati Bappa Moriya!! Let's get started again

In the turning tides of waters deep, a solemn sound was heard....
And in this chaos, my heart found peace; awash with the joys of the world at large...

Om Shree Ganesh :)>

I'm not one to begin anything, let alone a blog post, with the name of god. But certain times and certain occasions in life demand that when making an attempt to begin something afresh, it is most prudent to remember the benign lord who graces us with the myriad gifts of life.

I'm in the mood today. A mood to pen some thoughts, vent some ires, regurgitate in prose or poetry the million fears and angry feelings that stay uncomfortably perched in the farther reaches of my psyche. But all of this can come in good time.

Most importantly, I am a man on a mission right now. The mission to register a few decent posts before the middle of September is upon me. In as certain terms as I can put it, this post and a lot of its unborn predecessors should have seen the likes of these blog pages a long time ago. But as fate and my incompetence would have it, I let a number of good issues pass me by one after the other, inventing fitting responses to them and leaving them to rot as disjointed and uncollected musings on the surface of my mind. But true to my procrastinating nature, I have woken to the fact that soon my blog will have its first and most prized reader ever return to its fold. With the content that my blog currently sports, I fear that it shall be a very damp & dull experience for her. Hence my renewed vigour in populating this blog with readable nonsense.

So to prevent the possibility that later on questions will be raised about the quality of what I am about to write over the next ten odd days, I spell out the disclaimer that creativity will be the first to be sacrificed in my pursuit of adding numerical weight to this blog and I should be pardoned; at least until my mission is done. I better end this one here in haste as the count couldn't start any sooner ;)