Happy Birthday :) :(

Hey Mads!

Where do I begin? I can't say have a great year ahead and other such hollow greetings, so I'm going to skip it. I'm going to make sure this post has as little bullshit as possible. Consider this an attempt on my part to do a bit of introspection and explore a corner of my heart that has gathered a bit of dust.

I know saying sorry won't mean a thing, but I wish I could apologise and you could forgive me and life would be all hunky dory. I'm guilty of having wronged you in many ways, while we were together and even after you have gone, but my latest and lowest so far in the list has been forgetting your birthday. The sad bit is that if not for N, I don't know if I would have remembered in time at all. Even if for a second I completely overlook the fact that someone who never knew you and probably shouldn't bother was actually far more thoughtful than me, I just can't get over the fact that time - the proverbial healer - has played its part well enough to cure my wounds a little too much. So much so that I cant reach in and feel any real sense of the kind of grief and pain I felt when I lost you, except for maybe a forced memory of it. I know I am an adaptable person, and I pride upon it at times, but my ability to change with time is so ingrained that I feel I have lost touch with a part of my past that defined who I was - there could be nothing more pitiful and ironic. I don't know for what reason god has helped me find so much love in the form of N, if the way I have preserved your essence in my life is anything to go by, I certainly don't deserve it. But I still know that wherever you are, you still love me and forgive me as if nothing has changed, and I hate myself for that knowledge.

Turning this post into an excuse to beat up my self image, is certainly not the right way to commemorate this day. Even though I know I haven't been as good as I should have, every day of my life is still livable because of the kind of love and prayers you still shower me with, from whatever corner of the spiritual universe you now reside in. I would just request you to keep some faith in me, so I can at least do the right kind of justice with my love for N. Please, always live inside of me and don't let your love extinguish, I wouldn't know how to go on without it.

Yours,
In this life and beyond,
A